Making Amends.

It's amazing how we fool ourselves into thinking we're the real victims in our life, as we drive through it like a bat out of hell in a bumper car alley.  I'm standing here, next to my car, looking at the carnage I've caused all around me, and it's dawning on me that I caused this... Just me, my abuse and MY ISSUES. I don't trust and because I don't trust, I don't expect people to do right by me. But before they can do wrong, I will go ahead and wrong them. Because, I've either concocted a transgression, or am harping on one I've already "forgiven", or if none of the above apply, in my mind,  it's only a matter of time, so might as well cut this one off at the pass.

Jeezle.

I've made a mess, but I'm ready to clean it up. The past is gone and I am not a victim.

Morning Thoughts

I like to read astrology. I don't know if I "BELIEVE" in it, but I do find coincidences in sign traits and even monthly events that keep me hooked. According to Susan Miller, the full moon on the 14th of this month was a DOOZY and has really sent a lot of people into a tailspin. I know I've been having my issues! 

However, this harkens back to responsibility. The full moon may have given me extra anxiety, but it is not responsible for my binge drinking and then driving and then getting arrested. That is all my fault and a result of my poor decisions. If I have to call that anything mystical, it's divine intervention.  

This is what I'm meditating on today: 

The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past. I am a new person.

That sentiment is very important to me and my recovery. I am a person who is always trying to find coincidences linking my past to the present and seeing how they are repeating themselves. This is an exercise in futility and it keeps me from living in the present. Who cares what happened ten years ago? It's gone. Over. Done. Finished. MOVE ON. Stop self flagellating for these past transgressions.  

I'm carrying that into therapy today because my husband holds onto the past and things that I thought we had conquered, will rear their ugly heads in the heat of anger. I want this to stop, not just for us, but for him. It's got to be very hard to be so angry over something that happened so long ago..... Just like I know how hard it is to keep picking the scab of a long past wound you just won't let heal. 

We need some healing. Let's start today. 

Day Five with the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can. 

Evening Gratitude

You've got to get up every morning
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful, as you feel

I'm so grateful for my Mother. I would be nothing without her in my life and the love we have for one another is one of the most sacred gifts of my life. Her undying support, enthusiasm, kindness and acceptance always humble me. 

Thank you, Universe, for bringing us together. 

Today I had a lot of emotions. Tears, laughter, frustration, aggravation... I finally just meditated and I feel much better.  this morning when I felt overwhelmed, I took the dogs on a run through the woods and centered. I have a feeling I'm going to be depending on exercise and meditation to get me into the present a lot in the next few months/years. 

My husband and I are going to see our therapist tomorrow. I feel cautiously optimistic. Today is my husband's birthday and since tomorrow is Friday,  I bought some babyback ribs, green beans, fingerling potatoes and a GORGEOUS fruit tart for dinner tomorrow night. I've got the ribs in a brine and I think it's going to be really nice. 

Looking forward to Day 5. 

God is great! 

Responsibility

Morning Gratitude:I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life and my disease. I accept the responsibility.

Patience is a virtue I have never possessed and the lack of it in my life has always been a point of contention, not only in my relationships with others, but with myself. I'm grateful I have competent representation for my OVI, but I really want this court date to come to pass so I at least know what I am facing. The not knowing has been really hard this week. My lawyer is confident, but me? Not so much. I hope for the best and accept the worst. 

However, I am ready to face this. Not once during this time have I lamented my luck, or tried to deflect responsibility. I FUCKED UP AND I'M THE LUCKIEST WOMAN ON EARTH BECAUSE IT WASN'T ANY WORSE THAN IT WAS. 

Another thought I am having this morning is about the opinion of other people and how I have to stop caring. I'm part of a generation that doesn't really understand the weight younger people put on the court of public opinion, and that's okay. They can do them and I can do me. Parts of my and my husband's professional lives are always going to be subject to public scrutiny and all we can do is our best.  Trying to argue or debate these people is futile and I have better things to do.  

I'm off to meditate about happiness and responsibility. Hopefully Day 4 is kind to me. 

Evening Gratitude

I have so many things to be grateful for, I really do. Right now I have just gotten home from my first ever meditation session at the Dharma Center in my neighborhood. It was challenging and wonderful! I'm so grateful to live in an area where I have this resource, and I can walk there!

I'm also grateful for living in an area that has woods I can hike through, as well as commute through by foot.

I'm grateful to have the opportunity to love and be loved by my dogs. They are the lights of my life.

Good night, blogland. Looking forward to Day 4.

Daily meditation: Why I Drink

Why I drink:

Stress and hunger. When I'm stressed out, I have a tendency not to eat. I lose my appetite all together. This causes more stress, which makes me want to drink 

I don't know "how to have fun" without alcohol. It seems like everything I deem as fun is either drinking related or "enhanced" by drinking. 

I have panic disorder. When I go to concerts, ball games, or anything in big or tall structures (even museums and movies),  or travel, my panic gets triggered. Drinking has always made that go away. 

I feel socially awkward. I don't like being around people. I don't know how to relax and I have very low self esteem. People would say I'm very outgoing, but every interaction is stressful for me for a while. It's exhausting. 

Drinking helps me forget. Anything I find painful, drinking helps me escape. It also helps me talk about issues I'm too afraid to talk about. Though, lately I've been depending on it to talk about anything bothering me, so I bottle emotions up and then explode when I'm drunk.

 I don't like myself. My father was an alcoholic and he left when I was seven. He wasn't really ever there before that. This has caused a lot of damage within my soul. Even though we have a relationship now, it's not very close and I feel like I have to compete with my step-mother for his affection and she always wins. He left us for her and really never tried to seriously work things out with my mom. It's only been recent that I've let myself acknowledge what this has done to me. I was always too proud and wanted to be too strong to let anyone think this affected me. As a result of all of this, I have a deep seated issue with feeling lovable and as a result I like to test boundaries and behave like a wrecking ball. I doubt people's feelings for me no matter what they say or do. I don't really trust anyone. 

I've been abused. I was sexually abused as a child. A friend attempted to rape me when I was 18, and I was raped by a guy in a touring band when I was 23.  Sometimes it's hard for me to have sex sober. 

I'm having a hard time aging.  Sometimes I feel like partying keeps me young.  But what it really does is make me look like a middle-aged, washed up drunk.  I don't want to be that person and partying with 20 somethings doesn't turn time back. 

I'm afraid my husband won't think I'm fun anymore if I don't drink.... which is stupid because I see the anxiety in his eyes when I do drink now a days. I also think we won't have anything in common anymore, which is ridiculous, because he's the only person I really enjoy being around and I'm definitely not drunk all of the time. 

Destroying My Marriage One Drink at a Time.

What's funny, and not in a "ha ha" way is that I haven't been here in over two years and this title is still relevant.

I got my first OVI  this past weekend. My BAC was over .18 so now I face a misdemeanor I can never have expunged, three days in jail, and $$$$s of dollars in lawyer's fees and fines. My husband is not thrilled, to say the least.

Since I was last here, I have had about three or four half hearted tries at sobriety. Mainly doing the Whole 30 and calling it a "cleanse". I've cut the drunkenness down to one or two days a week (GO ME!) and will regularly go ten days or so without drinking, so fooling myself into thinking "I've got this! No big deal!" But it is. I'm a bull in a china shop when I'm drunk and at 41 years, this is not a good look. My behavior while drinking has become increasingly erratic and my self esteem is at an all time low.

Terror doesn't quite accurately describe my feelings towards my legal situation. I go to court in five days.... then, at 41 years of age, I could be JAILED for three days. J A I L. The humiliation and fear that rings into my head are nauseating.

But the main point is this: I'm very lucky. I'm lucky I didn't hurt or maim anyone and I'm lucky to be alive. This is not the time for me to try to skirt the issue or get away with anything. I have to stand up and take responsibility for this and just handle it. Then I need to get real about my substance abuse.

I've found Women for Sobriety and I'm excited to get to know them better. My quote for the day is this:

"All love given, returns. I will learn to know that others love me."

I have a hard time believing I am loved, let alone knowing it.

Day 3.