So, nothing happened today other than I have a court date on Friday.
Today I was super triggered to drink, but I didn't. My mom and I went and got our nails done after court. We also drove around a very special neighborhood I want to start rehabbing houses in. I can do that sober. I know I can.
When I got home my step daughter was just getting home and someone had made her very upset. Teenage boys are the worst. I was able to get her smiling and love on her a bit. It felt really good. I love her so much.
We also ordered sushi take out for dinner! SCORE.
I have so much to be grateful for. My family is awesome and my life is pretty sweet. Thank you, God.
Day 8, over and out.
Monday, April 24, 2017
Judgment Day
I'm a weepy, nervous wreck. I might go to jail today. JAIL.
What ever happens, I know I will be okay, but I am so scared right now. I have deals in the works and people really depending on me and I really don't want to let them down.
I'm kind of paralyzed right now with fear. I know I'll be okay, but I'm crying and I feel like throwing up.
Day 8.
What ever happens, I know I will be okay, but I am so scared right now. I have deals in the works and people really depending on me and I really don't want to let them down.
I'm kind of paralyzed right now with fear. I know I'll be okay, but I'm crying and I feel like throwing up.
Day 8.
The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Lonesome Triggers.
Sundays in my past meant working open houses, showing houses and then a lot of eating and drinking with my husband.
I'm doing some paperwork today, but no open houses. I can't really show houses because I can't drive anywhere, so that makes going around the area difficult. I've been in the yard, weeding and mulching, while drinking LaCroix and smoking. I'm very triggered. I'd love to have a beer.
My husband is out. He went to his Mom's to help her with things, and now I can see from his phone that he's at the bar he owns. I know he always has a ton of work to do around there, so I know he's doing that, but I also know he's drinking. I don't know why this bugs me, but it does.
Sobriety is my journey and though he's a huge reason I'm doing it, I'm ultimately doing it for myself. But, it's lonely and isolating. I would go to a meeting, but I can't get there, so blogging it is.
Still Day 7. Court is tomorrow.
God, grant me the strength.
I'm doing some paperwork today, but no open houses. I can't really show houses because I can't drive anywhere, so that makes going around the area difficult. I've been in the yard, weeding and mulching, while drinking LaCroix and smoking. I'm very triggered. I'd love to have a beer.
My husband is out. He went to his Mom's to help her with things, and now I can see from his phone that he's at the bar he owns. I know he always has a ton of work to do around there, so I know he's doing that, but I also know he's drinking. I don't know why this bugs me, but it does.
Sobriety is my journey and though he's a huge reason I'm doing it, I'm ultimately doing it for myself. But, it's lonely and isolating. I would go to a meeting, but I can't get there, so blogging it is.
Still Day 7. Court is tomorrow.
God, grant me the strength.
Little Victories.
Last week at this time, I was huddled in my bed, talking to an attorney on the phone about my OVI case and wondering how to tell my husband what happened. I was gagging up bile all day, with a severe hangover. My husband went to work and I emailed him the news because I was a coward.
Today, one week later, I am sober seven days. I just got back from my yoga practice and for the first time ever, I held the Backasana pose for five deep breaths.
God is great! Day 7.
I am no longer a coward. I am a capable, confident, strong woman. I love my husband and he deserves my honesty 100% of the time.
Today, one week later, I am sober seven days. I just got back from my yoga practice and for the first time ever, I held the Backasana pose for five deep breaths.
God is great! Day 7.
I am no longer a coward. I am a capable, confident, strong woman. I love my husband and he deserves my honesty 100% of the time.
Emotional
"Instant gratification takes too long".-Carrie Fisher
The state of "unknown" in my life is really starting to get me down. Tomorrow is my court date, which is terrifying, but relieving because I then know what I will be facing. I'm hoping for the best and preparing for the worst, as I do with everything in my life. I know I should try to cultivate more positivity, and I am, but with this, I think I need to take a good look at the possible consequences and prepare for each one. I just don't want to lose my livelihood. I love my job and I've worked very hard to get to where I am. Losing my license will mean I cannot work. I hope they do take mercy on me there.
What ever happens, I know I will survive.
Also, I'm raising a teenaged girl right now and it's very challenging. Teenaged girls can be incredibly mean and snarky and in my emotional state, I'm incredibly vulnerable to it. Also, what is it with them amping up the attitude when their friends are around? It makes me not want to let her have them over!! LOL! Yesterday, I went off script and asked her to help her brother with the dishes really quickly. We had said she could have friends over that night but she had to clean her room and bathroom. She freaked out on me, was nasty, and made me cry. Her dad then revoked the friends coming over and sent her to her Mom's house. She's supposed to be with her Mom on Saturdays and Sundays, but has been over for here for some reason.
Anyways, from now on she needs to spend her weekends there. I'm too overwhelmed right now and need her Mom's help (which she is more than willing to give). BUT, I also need to change my approach with my girl. I love her more than anything and sometimes it's hard to convey that when I'm trying to get assistance. I'm impatient, as are many alcoholics, and as a result of my past, I feel like I have no voice and am never heard, which is usually NOT the case, but these feelings bring out the drill sergeant in me, which is just not effective.
From now on, it's deep breaths, mindfulness and kindness I will use to get assistance in the house. If I'm met with snarkiness from the 14 year old, me, the 41 year old, will face it with patience and love.
Daily Meditation:
The state of "unknown" in my life is really starting to get me down. Tomorrow is my court date, which is terrifying, but relieving because I then know what I will be facing. I'm hoping for the best and preparing for the worst, as I do with everything in my life. I know I should try to cultivate more positivity, and I am, but with this, I think I need to take a good look at the possible consequences and prepare for each one. I just don't want to lose my livelihood. I love my job and I've worked very hard to get to where I am. Losing my license will mean I cannot work. I hope they do take mercy on me there.
What ever happens, I know I will survive.
Also, I'm raising a teenaged girl right now and it's very challenging. Teenaged girls can be incredibly mean and snarky and in my emotional state, I'm incredibly vulnerable to it. Also, what is it with them amping up the attitude when their friends are around? It makes me not want to let her have them over!! LOL! Yesterday, I went off script and asked her to help her brother with the dishes really quickly. We had said she could have friends over that night but she had to clean her room and bathroom. She freaked out on me, was nasty, and made me cry. Her dad then revoked the friends coming over and sent her to her Mom's house. She's supposed to be with her Mom on Saturdays and Sundays, but has been over for here for some reason.
Anyways, from now on she needs to spend her weekends there. I'm too overwhelmed right now and need her Mom's help (which she is more than willing to give). BUT, I also need to change my approach with my girl. I love her more than anything and sometimes it's hard to convey that when I'm trying to get assistance. I'm impatient, as are many alcoholics, and as a result of my past, I feel like I have no voice and am never heard, which is usually NOT the case, but these feelings bring out the drill sergeant in me, which is just not effective.
From now on, it's deep breaths, mindfulness and kindness I will use to get assistance in the house. If I'm met with snarkiness from the 14 year old, me, the 41 year old, will face it with patience and love.
Daily Meditation:
- I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Easter: Rebirth
I was pulled over and arrested on Easter Sunday for my first OVI.
This also happened on Easter Sunday.
http://www.wlwt.com/article/repeat-dui-offender-hits-uc-grad-student-easter-sunday/9543710
I have no judgment for Sterling. I could have easily been her. I hope she finds what she needs and I'm so glad the victim wasn't killed.
Easter is about the resurrection of Jesus from the dead and his ascension into heaven. For me, it will always be about resurrection, but my personal resurrection from my personal death. I am reborn. This is my Act 2.
Sending peace to Natasha Sterling and Matt Rigdon. Also sending peace to everyone in the world struggling with addiction.
Namaste <3
This also happened on Easter Sunday.
http://www.wlwt.com/article/repeat-dui-offender-hits-uc-grad-student-easter-sunday/9543710
I have no judgment for Sterling. I could have easily been her. I hope she finds what she needs and I'm so glad the victim wasn't killed.
Easter is about the resurrection of Jesus from the dead and his ascension into heaven. For me, it will always be about resurrection, but my personal resurrection from my personal death. I am reborn. This is my Act 2.
Sending peace to Natasha Sterling and Matt Rigdon. Also sending peace to everyone in the world struggling with addiction.
Namaste <3
Morning Meditation: Earth Day
Yesterday, FRIDAY (THE WITCHING HOUR) I began preparing a tasty dinner for my husband for his birthday. Ribs, (brined since Thursday), potatoes, green beans and a fruit tart.... All of the favorites for this Southern Boy! I also did a nice 4 mile run in the morning with the dogs in the city scape, rural scape and then ended in the woods. I'm so grateful to live in such an ecologically diverse area. One part city, one part country, the other part, forest. I put the finishing touches on some deals, dealt with melt-downs on others, all without a panic attack.
Oh, and we went to therapy and I had to come to terms with the fact that my white lies, lies by omission and drinking were really hurting my husband. I now acknowledge this, soberly, and I'm committing to make it right with him. He deserves much better than what I've been putting him through, and it's been my damaged, alcoholic brain that has been justifying my treatment of him. It stops now.
I also went to Yoga and it was a really small class, so that was LOVELY.
On my walk home, I allowed myself to buy a Coke and a pack of cigarettes. I figure right now the priority is NOT DRINKING, and grilling out is a trigger for me, so I let myself have "treat aka cruth" for the final dinner prep. I was proud of myself, because I drank half of the Coke and had one smoke, and was satiated.
Dinner was DELISH and we started watching season 2 of the Leftovers to refresh for some binging of Season 3 when there is more than one episode out. Also? GAME OF THRONES COUNTDOWN, LIKE A LITTLE OVER TWO MONTHS!
Today, my meditation is on this:
The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
I've allowed myself to stymie my growth emotionally and have relied on snarkiness, sarcasm and negativity wrapped in "humor" as a way to express myself. I hate saying this but "I AM BROKEN INSIDE" and it scares me. I don't like appearing vulnerable or weak, so I mask it with attitude and aggression. People then think I'm tough...... I'm not. I'm sensitive and insecure. I'm introspective and at the heart of it, I'm gentle. Harming others affects me.... I cry over road-kill, for crissakes.
I need to start shedding this armor so I can begin to heal and grow in a proper, functional way.
Day 6.
Oh, and we went to therapy and I had to come to terms with the fact that my white lies, lies by omission and drinking were really hurting my husband. I now acknowledge this, soberly, and I'm committing to make it right with him. He deserves much better than what I've been putting him through, and it's been my damaged, alcoholic brain that has been justifying my treatment of him. It stops now.
I also went to Yoga and it was a really small class, so that was LOVELY.
On my walk home, I allowed myself to buy a Coke and a pack of cigarettes. I figure right now the priority is NOT DRINKING, and grilling out is a trigger for me, so I let myself have "treat aka cruth" for the final dinner prep. I was proud of myself, because I drank half of the Coke and had one smoke, and was satiated.
Dinner was DELISH and we started watching season 2 of the Leftovers to refresh for some binging of Season 3 when there is more than one episode out. Also? GAME OF THRONES COUNTDOWN, LIKE A LITTLE OVER TWO MONTHS!
Today, my meditation is on this:
The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
I've allowed myself to stymie my growth emotionally and have relied on snarkiness, sarcasm and negativity wrapped in "humor" as a way to express myself. I hate saying this but "I AM BROKEN INSIDE" and it scares me. I don't like appearing vulnerable or weak, so I mask it with attitude and aggression. People then think I'm tough...... I'm not. I'm sensitive and insecure. I'm introspective and at the heart of it, I'm gentle. Harming others affects me.... I cry over road-kill, for crissakes.
I need to start shedding this armor so I can begin to heal and grow in a proper, functional way.
Day 6.
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