Day 15: Meditation: Transformation

This weekend was really hard. I have to remember to be mindful of my cycle because my pre and post-menstrual times are seriously choppy and emotional times and I am a person who is not comfortable with being emotionally uncomfortable.

I think this has everything to do with being the oldest daughter, middle child and child of an alcoholic, dysfunctional family. I was always the strong child. My older brother and younger sister fell apart so many times growing up, my parents, though divorced, were constantly putting back them back together. I felt I had to be strong, independent and together, not only to benefit my parents, but to feel superior to my siblings. NICE!

My dad went to rehab when I was in second grade. I never knew he had a drinking problem, mostly, because he was never home. I don't have any recollections of him being messy, or passing out... the only thing I can surmise now is that weekend mornings he liked to make greasy egg and mayo sandwiches to ease his hangovers. They were gross and thinking about them now makes me want to hurl.

The day he left for rehab, we told my Nanny he was going to Paris for business, which made sense because he had just gotten back from a month in China. Later that night, my Mom gathered us for dinner and told us that Dad was not only NOT in Paris, but in Riverside hospital, 30 miles away. We were not to tell anyone, especially our grandparents. This had zero affect on me, and I took my plate into the living room to watch television because Three's Company was on reruns and we had gotten to the Terri years. Terri was my favorite blonde.

We would go to family days at Rehab where we would sit though super long meetings with the adults, eat chicken salad croissants for lunch in the cafeteria, and then do child-centric art classes with weird old ladies who really wanted us to be sad. I loved chicken salad croissants, and was so relieved to be able to do some art, that when I got to "sad-sandwich art class", I was usually pretty chipper. I soon realized that if I wanted to get these grief vultures off of my back, I needed to make sad family finger painted portraits and then fake cry so I wouldn't have to talk. This satiated these women, and awarded me time to myself in the corner.

On the way home, we were allowed to rent whatever video we wanted from the video store AND we got to have TV dinners for supper. It was awesome. The Weird Science and Swanson years.

Soon after my dad got sober, he decided he was too selfish to be a full time father, so he moved out. Not having him around was normal, so I really didn't realize how terribly this affected me until I was in my 20s and had developed crippling anxiety, depression and panic attacks.

Today I am mediating about transformation and what it takes. I need to delve into these terrible, very bad things that happened when I was a child in order to put together the puzzle that lead me to hate myself. It's not fun, but transformation rarely is.

The Phoenix has to burn and char before it can rise from the ashes and regain its life.

Pass the matches, please.

TWO WEEKS.

Last night was hard for me. I wa lonely and really triggered to drink. I'm a person who loves to be alone, but then, out of nowhere, will just start to feel super isolated and lonely and my go to was always wine. I had to sit through my uncomfortable feelings last night, have a boo hoo sesh, then meditate and then I made some dinner. It wasn't like the experience magically turned into "OMG SO GREAT!", it was melancholy and blah, but the silver lining is that I didn't drink. I don't like being uncomfortable with my feelings, so I used to just turn the off. It's a tough lesson to learn; how to sit with your feelings when you're sad and angry, but it's vital to survival.

Luckily, my husband came home and had dinner with me. That, combined with some food, made me feel better. Dinner was really yummy and I let myself have two pieces of angel food cake for dessert. (I worked out hard yesterday, burned over 1000 calories).

Boredom is starting to set in, so I need to keep myself busy. I also let someone under my skin this morning. He's my friend, but he's really sexist and doesn't realize it, which is a bummer.

Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious sober act must be to remove negativity from my life.

Lucky 13

Any negative encounter I have, I will push back with love and positivity.



I can't wait for Mercury to be out of retrograde. I need to some major day saving and it's getting me cranky.  All is well in the end, but it's still a challenging time.

I went to my therapist this morning and he is such a god-send. I've had so many other therapists, but this guy I just mesh with. He's my personal therapist, my marriage counselor, my step-daughter's counselor and my sober coach.

I also have a sober friend to go to meetings with! I'm so excited!

I'm going to go to a meeting by myself today so I can get into the habit.


Having my driving privileges back has lessened my anxiety ten fold because I CAN WORK NOW. I love working, so this is huge.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Day 12

What a day! I went to court and got driving privileges. YAY! But, I still have another hearing? This is never ending.

Anyways, yoga jacked up my back today and I'm beat, so I'm going to wrap this up.

Day 12, FIN.

grateful for my Mommy and my family! And for spring thunderstorms.

Evening Gratitude and Meditation

"If you want to truly understand something, try to change it. -Kurt Lewin"

Perplexing isn't it?? It reminds me of some boys I was friends with as a child who would get new toys and immediately take them apart just to put them back together. When I asked Doug why he did that he simply responded "Well, if it's mine I need to know how it really works." DEEP! Especially for a second grader! 

I'm taking this philosophy to my brain and understanding why I do the things I do and the pattern of my thinking. I know there is a treasure trove of childhood dysfunction I need to delve into to trace the conduit of my thoughts. What it comes down to is that I don't trust: I don't feel lovable: I don't feel like I'm good enough. 

I have therapy on Saturday morning, so the hard work starts then. 

I'm so grateful for the breadcrumbs the universe is sending me right now that are enabling me to build my sober toolbox. Life can be good, can't it? 

Replacing "BINGE" with "CRINGE".

I'm a binge drinker. I can stop for months at a time and do so for "cleansing" and "diet" purposes, which is why, at 11 days after my last binge and not really getting too many triggers, I'm still terrified. I love to party and it's a part of my total "Peter Pan Syndrome" and habits of escapism. It makes the responsibilities of my adult life fade into black, and "relaxes me". It also causes very poor decision making, black outs, lost days to hangovers, physically maiming myself, embarrassing myself and my family, hurting my family, hurting my career, neglecting responsibilities and, when looking back, isn't as fun anymore as I would like to fool myself into thinking. It's a bad look and it's killing me. It has to stop and it has to stop now.

Crisis Management

Day 11 and these snags in my deals are kicking my butt. However, I'm putting on a brave face, and a kick ass competent attitude for my clients to take care of business.

My court date is tomorrow and though I'm nervous, I'm being Zen about it because I just can't control what is going to happen and fretting about it is an exercise in futility. One thing I'm being mindful of is slowing down my reactions. I don't need to be knee jerk about everything and immediately go into panic mode. I need to let things run their course, examine them, meditate and then go about my problem solving.

I'm leaning on two principles today:

1. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
   I treasure all moments of my new life.
2. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
   This is what I am and I shall know it always.