I got really drunk last night. I don't know why, but I guess I thought because I was doing so well, it would be okay to drink. It wasn't.
I feel very ashamed right now.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Friday, October 10, 2014
Day 12
So, it's day 12 and this week has been really rough. My husband is out of town and I've been wrangling dogs, kids and life, by myself. This wouldn't be so bad if I had not started my period. When I posted my post on day five about TRIGGERS I didn't even think about my menstrual cycle.
My time of month is so uncomfortable in many ways. Physically, socially and mentally. Because of this discomfort, I've always spent most of the red week, drinking. Not only did I crave more booze, I was less inhibited and I would abuse more so than I would during a regular time. I wonder why that is?
So, this week with all of the regular stress, stress of having my partner gone, stress of a new, but totally lovely and worth it, puppy, I've been dealing with the red eyed monster. The result of this has been a lot of negative self talk about rewarding myself with a glass of wine on Friday night. Luckily, I stumbled upon Anne's entry yesterday, and it's got me in a good head space. I will just have to take today one minute at a time.
When is this going to get easier?
My time of month is so uncomfortable in many ways. Physically, socially and mentally. Because of this discomfort, I've always spent most of the red week, drinking. Not only did I crave more booze, I was less inhibited and I would abuse more so than I would during a regular time. I wonder why that is?
So, this week with all of the regular stress, stress of having my partner gone, stress of a new, but totally lovely and worth it, puppy, I've been dealing with the red eyed monster. The result of this has been a lot of negative self talk about rewarding myself with a glass of wine on Friday night. Luckily, I stumbled upon Anne's entry yesterday, and it's got me in a good head space. I will just have to take today one minute at a time.
When is this going to get easier?
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Day Nine
Oh, HI!
We have crazy weekends around these parts. With non-traditional jobs, small businesses and children's activities, it can get down right exhausting.
It was tough this weekend. We own a bar and I work brunch. I was doing fine until I was off my shift and then the cravings were so intense, I had to go for a long walk. I know it's not wise to continue putting myself in an environment that is so tempting, but it's our business, and I can't ignore it. Luckily, I'm only there one day a week.
So, I've also been dealing with a lot of issues I have stemming from my childhood, which are pretty horrific. I will delve into those deeper here in due time, but the feelings of these events are so heavy and traumatic, not to mention the buried memories that are coming back to the surface being just a bit overwhelming.... I'm not ready yet.
Though I'm working on controlling my impulses when it comes to drinking, apparently I need to work on them when it comes to just "dropping in" at the local animal shelter to "look".
This is Benedict Jumping Alfredo Wigglesworth, aka "Beans".
Now, we have been talking for months about adding a second pup to our family, though we had agreed on next spring.... However, look at that face! I'm not made of stone!! Also? While I was filling out his paperwork, I found out he had just been surrendered that morning, further proving that this union was written in the stars.
He's really smart and good, He knows some basic commands, does well off leash, loves his pup-sister and kitty-brother, his people and is becoming an ace at house training. I'm in love.
We have crazy weekends around these parts. With non-traditional jobs, small businesses and children's activities, it can get down right exhausting.
It was tough this weekend. We own a bar and I work brunch. I was doing fine until I was off my shift and then the cravings were so intense, I had to go for a long walk. I know it's not wise to continue putting myself in an environment that is so tempting, but it's our business, and I can't ignore it. Luckily, I'm only there one day a week.
So, I've also been dealing with a lot of issues I have stemming from my childhood, which are pretty horrific. I will delve into those deeper here in due time, but the feelings of these events are so heavy and traumatic, not to mention the buried memories that are coming back to the surface being just a bit overwhelming.... I'm not ready yet.
Though I'm working on controlling my impulses when it comes to drinking, apparently I need to work on them when it comes to just "dropping in" at the local animal shelter to "look".
This is Benedict Jumping Alfredo Wigglesworth, aka "Beans".
Now, we have been talking for months about adding a second pup to our family, though we had agreed on next spring.... However, look at that face! I'm not made of stone!! Also? While I was filling out his paperwork, I found out he had just been surrendered that morning, further proving that this union was written in the stars.
He's really smart and good, He knows some basic commands, does well off leash, loves his pup-sister and kitty-brother, his people and is becoming an ace at house training. I'm in love.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Is It Day Five Yet?
So, I started a new career last winter and I'm really enjoying it. What helps is that it doesn't (usually) make me unduly stressed like my last job. I hated that job. It was a great company, but the position was just not right for me. I need freedom and interaction, not to be locked to a cube pouring over documents all day. I would get there at 7:00am and leave at 5:00pm, CRAVING a buzz... Needing a buzz...... Feeling like I was going to explode if I didn't drink right then.
I would get myself so worked up I would start to feel gaggy and panicky. It was bad.
After I was laid off from the job I hated, I spent the next month freaked out and even drunker. So, that change of scenery really helped a lot. <sarcasm font>
I was able to start a new job in January, one that really fulfills me and which I like a lot. It's not low stress, but low stress bores and gives me more anxiety than one would think. I need action, baby. I dig it the most!
Since starting this job, I drink about half as much as I did, which would be a good thing, but I still drink way too much and I drink to get drunk. I think this is because I don't know any other way to drink? When it comes to this, I know no moderation, only partying like a rockstar. I'm not saying I'm not addicted, but overdoing it has always been par the course and I really don't know how to do it any other way? The only time I'm really able to control myself is while traveling abroad. It's like only when I'm relaxed, on vacation, I can slow it down.
All of this introspection started to make me think of what triggers me. Stress, of course, but what else does it?
Eating... Or lack of doing so. When I was in my twenties and broke all of the time, I soon realized that a night out on an empty stomach meant four PBR's at $1.00 a pop equaled hella good time! I have also had major eating disorders in my life. I was bulimic all through high school and college. I also got jaw surgery in my early twenties which brought a whole new aspect to restricting than I had ever had before. Not only could I restrict, I had to! I loved the results. After work, when I would feel my stomach rumble, instead of taking the logical route to get something to eat, I would have a beer, cocktail or wine instead. I STILL DO THIS. So now, when I feel hungry, I have to make myself eat something. Once I eat, the cravings go away.
Boredom and tedium. I drink because I'm bored or because I have to perform a tedious act, like housework, or yard work. Gardening has always been an excuse to break out a sixer and cleaning has always been done when I'm alone with wine. After I would finish a room, I rewarded myself with a glass of wine. My house is 2700 square feet.... without breaking into basic mathematics, that's a lot of wine.
And finally, the dreaded social occasion. One common negative idea that seems to permeate through people who are trying to get sober or change their habits is that if they aren't blotto, they aren't fun. I like to think of myself as a "good time gal" or Frieda Fun.. I like to throw them back, talk some smack and have a laugh.... However, though I think I'm being the life of the party, I'm starting to realize I'm just being a drunk fool, and I'm too old for this. I have a family and a life I do take seriously. The last thing I want to be thought of is a middle aged lush. It's just not flattering anymore and it's not who I want to be.
As I dig deeper, I start to uncover many truths to my desire for escape, and though it's eye opening, it's also terrifying and uncomfortable. I have always had a tough outer exterior and have been guarded about my pain. In being guarded, I wasn't dealing with it... I think I have to start dealing with it now...
Oh look, it's Day Five. I hope I start making some friends here.
I would get myself so worked up I would start to feel gaggy and panicky. It was bad.
After I was laid off from the job I hated, I spent the next month freaked out and even drunker. So, that change of scenery really helped a lot. <sarcasm font>
I was able to start a new job in January, one that really fulfills me and which I like a lot. It's not low stress, but low stress bores and gives me more anxiety than one would think. I need action, baby. I dig it the most!
Since starting this job, I drink about half as much as I did, which would be a good thing, but I still drink way too much and I drink to get drunk. I think this is because I don't know any other way to drink? When it comes to this, I know no moderation, only partying like a rockstar. I'm not saying I'm not addicted, but overdoing it has always been par the course and I really don't know how to do it any other way? The only time I'm really able to control myself is while traveling abroad. It's like only when I'm relaxed, on vacation, I can slow it down.
All of this introspection started to make me think of what triggers me. Stress, of course, but what else does it?
Eating... Or lack of doing so. When I was in my twenties and broke all of the time, I soon realized that a night out on an empty stomach meant four PBR's at $1.00 a pop equaled hella good time! I have also had major eating disorders in my life. I was bulimic all through high school and college. I also got jaw surgery in my early twenties which brought a whole new aspect to restricting than I had ever had before. Not only could I restrict, I had to! I loved the results. After work, when I would feel my stomach rumble, instead of taking the logical route to get something to eat, I would have a beer, cocktail or wine instead. I STILL DO THIS. So now, when I feel hungry, I have to make myself eat something. Once I eat, the cravings go away.
Boredom and tedium. I drink because I'm bored or because I have to perform a tedious act, like housework, or yard work. Gardening has always been an excuse to break out a sixer and cleaning has always been done when I'm alone with wine. After I would finish a room, I rewarded myself with a glass of wine. My house is 2700 square feet.... without breaking into basic mathematics, that's a lot of wine.
And finally, the dreaded social occasion. One common negative idea that seems to permeate through people who are trying to get sober or change their habits is that if they aren't blotto, they aren't fun. I like to think of myself as a "good time gal" or Frieda Fun.. I like to throw them back, talk some smack and have a laugh.... However, though I think I'm being the life of the party, I'm starting to realize I'm just being a drunk fool, and I'm too old for this. I have a family and a life I do take seriously. The last thing I want to be thought of is a middle aged lush. It's just not flattering anymore and it's not who I want to be.
As I dig deeper, I start to uncover many truths to my desire for escape, and though it's eye opening, it's also terrifying and uncomfortable. I have always had a tough outer exterior and have been guarded about my pain. In being guarded, I wasn't dealing with it... I think I have to start dealing with it now...
Oh look, it's Day Five. I hope I start making some friends here.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Day Four.
I've been so afraid to start this blog. I stumbled on the sober blogosphere this past summer and in reading other peoples' stories, so many of them have resonated with me. I have a drinking problem. I can stop for days at a time, but when I start, I have a very hard time stopping. I can drink enough bourbon to down a 400lb man, but I will still have (or at least in my drunken opinion) my wits about me.
I've been swimming in denial for so long. My drinking has caused personal problems, financial problems and professional problems. I've screwed up so many opportunities because of drinking.... and mostly drinking to lesson my crippling anxiety and panic, but wandering up the slippery slope of making the anxiety easier while drunk, but worsening it for the next day. It's akin to robbing Peter to pay Paul and it never works.
This week, my physical symptoms after my weekly bender (I have it down to one day a week! Functioning!not.), really started to scare me. My gut was in a lot of pain, and it dawned on me, that at 38, the past ten years of abusing alcohol are finally starting to show. It may be time to pay the piper.
When I'm drunk, I don't care if I live or die. Though I'm a very congenial drunk, the life of the party, my inner voice is one of self disdain and carelessness. These thoughts linger to the next day of hungover ridiculous, but then by mid-week, as I start to level out and feel better, I realize I don't want to die.. I want to live. I want to love. I want to achieve.... Most of all, I want to be happy and I want those I love the most to be happy and that won't happen if I put myself in an early grave because I couldn't stop partying.
So, I want to be happy. I want to stop being a fool. I want to stop drinking.... So, I'm starting with this. I can't predict the future and I am so scared right now. Scared of failing... Scared of dying. But, most of all, scared of succeeding because I don't know what that means? I love my friends, but do I need to find new ones? My husband still drinks, we own a bar for Christ's sake! Will he not like me anymore? Will I be able to get through my bartending shifts with the same happy demeanor?
It's all so ridiculous, this inner voice who keeps me down. I'm starting this blog to share what I'm going through and to find some online support, because I really need it... That, in itself, is really hard to admit.
Wish me luck!
I've been swimming in denial for so long. My drinking has caused personal problems, financial problems and professional problems. I've screwed up so many opportunities because of drinking.... and mostly drinking to lesson my crippling anxiety and panic, but wandering up the slippery slope of making the anxiety easier while drunk, but worsening it for the next day. It's akin to robbing Peter to pay Paul and it never works.
This week, my physical symptoms after my weekly bender (I have it down to one day a week! Functioning!not.), really started to scare me. My gut was in a lot of pain, and it dawned on me, that at 38, the past ten years of abusing alcohol are finally starting to show. It may be time to pay the piper.
When I'm drunk, I don't care if I live or die. Though I'm a very congenial drunk, the life of the party, my inner voice is one of self disdain and carelessness. These thoughts linger to the next day of hungover ridiculous, but then by mid-week, as I start to level out and feel better, I realize I don't want to die.. I want to live. I want to love. I want to achieve.... Most of all, I want to be happy and I want those I love the most to be happy and that won't happen if I put myself in an early grave because I couldn't stop partying.
So, I want to be happy. I want to stop being a fool. I want to stop drinking.... So, I'm starting with this. I can't predict the future and I am so scared right now. Scared of failing... Scared of dying. But, most of all, scared of succeeding because I don't know what that means? I love my friends, but do I need to find new ones? My husband still drinks, we own a bar for Christ's sake! Will he not like me anymore? Will I be able to get through my bartending shifts with the same happy demeanor?
It's all so ridiculous, this inner voice who keeps me down. I'm starting this blog to share what I'm going through and to find some online support, because I really need it... That, in itself, is really hard to admit.
Wish me luck!
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