Is It Day Five Yet?

So, I started a new career last winter and I'm really enjoying it. What helps is that it doesn't (usually) make me unduly stressed like my last job. I hated that job. It was a great company, but the position was just not right for me. I need freedom and interaction, not to be locked to a cube pouring over documents all day. I would get there at 7:00am and leave at 5:00pm, CRAVING a buzz... Needing a buzz...... Feeling like I was going to explode if I didn't drink right then.

I would get myself so worked up I would start to feel gaggy and panicky. It was bad.

After I was laid off from the job I hated, I spent the next month freaked out and even drunker. So, that change of scenery really helped a lot. <sarcasm font>

I was able to start a new job in January, one that really fulfills me and which I like a lot. It's not low stress, but low stress bores and gives me more anxiety than one would think. I need action, baby. I dig it the most!

Since starting this job, I drink about half as much as I did, which would be a good thing, but I still drink way too much and I drink to get drunk. I think this is because I don't know any other way to drink? When it comes to this, I know no moderation, only partying like a rockstar. I'm not saying I'm not addicted, but overdoing it has always been par the course and I really don't know how to do it any other way? The only time I'm really able to control myself is while traveling abroad. It's like only when I'm relaxed, on vacation, I can slow it down.

All of this introspection started to make me think of what triggers me. Stress, of course, but what else does it?

Eating... Or lack of doing so. When I was in my twenties and broke all of the time, I soon realized that a night out on an empty stomach meant four PBR's at $1.00 a pop equaled hella good time! I have also had major eating disorders in my life. I was bulimic all through high school and college. I also got jaw surgery in my early twenties which brought a whole new aspect to restricting than I had ever had before. Not only could I restrict, I had to! I loved the results. After work, when I would feel my stomach rumble, instead of taking the logical route to get something to eat, I would have a beer, cocktail or wine instead. I STILL DO THIS. So now, when I feel hungry, I have to make myself eat something. Once I eat, the cravings go away.

Boredom and tedium. I drink because I'm bored or because I have to perform a tedious act, like housework, or yard work. Gardening has always been an excuse to break out a sixer and cleaning has always been done when I'm alone with wine. After I would finish a room, I rewarded myself with a glass of wine. My house is 2700 square feet.... without breaking into basic mathematics, that's a lot of wine.

And finally, the dreaded social occasion. One common negative idea that seems to permeate through people who are trying to get sober or change their habits is that if they aren't blotto, they aren't fun. I like to think of myself as a "good time gal" or Frieda Fun.. I like to throw them back, talk some smack and have a laugh.... However, though I think I'm being the life of the party, I'm starting to realize I'm just being a drunk fool, and I'm too old for this. I have a family and a life I do take seriously. The last thing I want to be thought of is a middle aged lush. It's just not flattering anymore and it's not who I want to be.

As I dig deeper, I start to uncover many truths to my desire for escape, and though it's eye opening, it's also terrifying and uncomfortable. I have always had a tough outer exterior and have been guarded about my pain. In being guarded, I wasn't dealing with it... I think I have to start dealing with it now...

Oh look, it's Day Five. I hope I start making some friends here.