I've been so afraid to start this blog. I stumbled on the sober blogosphere this past summer and in reading other peoples' stories, so many of them have resonated with me. I have a drinking problem. I can stop for days at a time, but when I start, I have a very hard time stopping. I can drink enough bourbon to down a 400lb man, but I will still have (or at least in my drunken opinion) my wits about me.
I've been swimming in denial for so long. My drinking has caused personal problems, financial problems and professional problems. I've screwed up so many opportunities because of drinking.... and mostly drinking to lesson my crippling anxiety and panic, but wandering up the slippery slope of making the anxiety easier while drunk, but worsening it for the next day. It's akin to robbing Peter to pay Paul and it never works.
This week, my physical symptoms after my weekly bender (I have it down to one day a week! Functioning!not.), really started to scare me. My gut was in a lot of pain, and it dawned on me, that at 38, the past ten years of abusing alcohol are finally starting to show. It may be time to pay the piper.
When I'm drunk, I don't care if I live or die. Though I'm a very congenial drunk, the life of the party, my inner voice is one of self disdain and carelessness. These thoughts linger to the next day of hungover ridiculous, but then by mid-week, as I start to level out and feel better, I realize I don't want to die.. I want to live. I want to love. I want to achieve.... Most of all, I want to be happy and I want those I love the most to be happy and that won't happen if I put myself in an early grave because I couldn't stop partying.
So, I want to be happy. I want to stop being a fool. I want to stop drinking.... So, I'm starting with this. I can't predict the future and I am so scared right now. Scared of failing... Scared of dying. But, most of all, scared of succeeding because I don't know what that means? I love my friends, but do I need to find new ones? My husband still drinks, we own a bar for Christ's sake! Will he not like me anymore? Will I be able to get through my bartending shifts with the same happy demeanor?
It's all so ridiculous, this inner voice who keeps me down. I'm starting this blog to share what I'm going through and to find some online support, because I really need it... That, in itself, is really hard to admit.
Wish me luck!
Wow. Your story sounds so familiar. Bourbon became my drink too. As it was my hubby's booze of choice.
ReplyDeleteI had similar issues too. I could go days without drinking, but once I had one I wanted MORE. and I too became almost suicidal when drinking. And that critical, self hatred became ever present. Life was grey. I was unhappy.
Sobriety has opened my eyes. I was depressed. Severely. Getting sober has helped me recognize that and deal with it. I have a nice doctor and a great therapist. But best of all. I am HAPPY. LIFE IS COLOURFUL. I feel joy in the small everyday things.
The booze sucks us down. Find support and get some sober time. I think you will realize just how fantastic life can be without pouring alcohol on it.
Anne
Thank you so much for being here.
ReplyDeleteGah, the bourbon monster.... I don't know if I will miss her or not... I'm thinking the better I feel, the less I will.
I have terrible anxiety and panic disorder, that has caused depression. I went through a severe bout of agoraphobia when I was in my 20's and soon learned that drinking would lessen these fears, albeit only while drunk (they were worsened by hangovers). This was a slippery slope, because it's where my dependency for alcohol to relieve these horrible feelings, really began.
I went through so many therapists I hated. HATED. I would then feel guilty for hating them, and stay on as a patient, only to lie to them, because I didn't like them enough to comfortably open up. Which is just BONKERS. I do have someone I like now, which is good and encouraging and I'm so glad you have a therapist you like, because we freaking need it!!!
Thank you again for being here. I'm doing this very quietly because the thought of people knowing and the possibility of failing are too scary for me right now. I know I'm not to be ashamed if I do fall, but I will be anyway. It's nice to have some cyber pals who know what I'm going through to help me when I'm up and when I'm down. I hope to do the same for you :-)