Poison

I love bourbon..... LOVE IT.  I can drink a small barrel like Basil Hayden all night long without slurring a word. I've always been able to get shnockered and keep it together. I will be blacked out, but my voice will be clear and concise.

Today, I was talking to a colleague and mentioned a new bourbon bar down the street from my house, and my mouth started to water... It's like the gray sky of winter cleared out and I could see myself sitting in the hot sun enjoying a Seelbach. This scares the crap out of me. How do I start anew? How do I breakup with one of the loves of my life, even though our relationship is a dysfunctional disaster?

What is even scarier is that my husband thinks I just need discipline.... I don't need to quit entirely, just be disciplined about how I drink..... I don't think he gets it and it really scares me.

Personally

Today during a meeting at work, we had to tell our neighbor something we were thankful for, but it had to be more personal than work oriented. It hit me then that I have a very hard time getting personal with people. I'm jovial, fun and conversational, but it's all very surface-y. I'm also a good listener, because the more I listen, the less I'm required to disclose.

I embarrass pretty easily, but I'm very good at shrugging it off, for appearances only. If I do something stupid or embarrassing, I act like it's really not a big deal and I'm so above the common humiliations others go through.... I have super human anti-humiliation skills, you see!!! It's all bullshit. Those humiliations bury into my soul and begin to fester into the pile of rotting previous humiliations I have hidden beneath the surface. They become just another reason as to why I don't like myself and why I'm  not worthy.


I don't know how to open up more, but I need to...I need to be more honest with my feelings, not only with other people, but with myself.

Today is Day 4.

Accountability

Good morning, Day 3!

Don't let the use of exclamation points fool you into a false sense of chipperness, though things have settled down a bit, everything here is strained, not to mention the winter blahs are making it all more shitty. I feel anxious. But, I need to come here everyday and write something about how I'm feeling, so here I am. I'm anxious and humiliated. I'm also going through a lot of work stress, which is sucky as well.

Where is spring?

Pick Yourself Up.

Well, it's been a drunken few months since I last posted. I would have a few weeks of sobriety here and there, and really started convincing myself I can control this. I can't.

I think about all of the embarrassing things I've done that I can't remember. Relationships I've strained, people I've offended and hurt.. And I want to crawl in a hole. I feel like a failure at all things life. My husband is very angry with me, rightly so, and I've finally said out loud to him that I can't control myself around alcohol and I shouldn't work at our bar anymore. I know, I'm a real genius for putting myself behind the bar as the keeper of the booze when I could easily drink myself to death, but clarity is fleeting when you're hammered.

So, one day down. The rest to go.