It's been raining for what seems like years. It's colder than usual, everything is water logged and gross. The vibrant green of new spring life is darkened by the gray, stormy sky.. The timeless good vs. evil, scary vs. safe.
I'm feeling good sober and I'm not having any cravings to drink. I am grumpy though... I'm pretty sure it's PMS because I want to eat all of the things.
I'm also really sad about my friend and his family he has left behind. It's hard to resign to the senseless and relent your control, but it's the only thing you can do.
Looking forward to those pink clouds in my coffee.
Day 23, over and out.
Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Sunday, May 7, 2017
Heartbreak and Hope
My friend died yesterday. He got some bad coke and died. He was an artist, brilliant, a husband, a brother, a son, a friend. He was a bright light and he was shiny.
He's gone now because we think feeling good means feeling nothing or something other than presence.
He was my friend and he is very loved. Now he's gone.
I'm so grateful to be sober and this gratitude is all I can think about.
He's gone now because we think feeling good means feeling nothing or something other than presence.
He was my friend and he is very loved. Now he's gone.
I'm so grateful to be sober and this gratitude is all I can think about.
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."
Saturday, May 6, 2017
Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness
Today is Day 20 and I'm having a bad day. My recovery and my sobriety are for me, but it's evident that though I'm in a marriage, I am alone.
I'm not making any big decisions because it's not in my program. I'm just realizing the immense loneliness I feel and have felt over the past 13 years. If my marriage makes it through my sobriety, I will be surprised.
I think I'm going to go back to bed.
Day 20... I'm looking forward to pink clouds... Maybe? Someday?
I'm not making any big decisions because it's not in my program. I'm just realizing the immense loneliness I feel and have felt over the past 13 years. If my marriage makes it through my sobriety, I will be surprised.
I think I'm going to go back to bed.
Day 20... I'm looking forward to pink clouds... Maybe? Someday?
Friday, May 5, 2017
Day 19
I'm still sober and grateful! I've been to a meeting every day since Monday and am making new, sober friends.
That being said, the weather is poopy and my leg muscles are super sore and achey still, so I don't really have a lot to say.
I'm meditating on "going to any length" to stay sober. Sobriety has been my first priority and has to remain so. However, I still need to find some balance for everything else.
That being said, the weather is poopy and my leg muscles are super sore and achey still, so I don't really have a lot to say.
I'm meditating on "going to any length" to stay sober. Sobriety has been my first priority and has to remain so. However, I still need to find some balance for everything else.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Zelda Fitzgerald Shouldn't Be Your Role Model
Today I met someone who said Zelda Fitzgerald was their role model. Instead of debating the merits of ZF being a role model, I just smiled and nodded.
ZF suffered from Bi-Polar Disorder and Manic Depression. She self medicated with a lot of alcohol. She was married to a man who was simultaneously threatened and enamored by her and because of this confusing dichotomy, he ended up shitting all over her before he died of alcoholism.
She died seven years later in a fire in the sanitarium where she lived, locked in a room awaiting her electric shock treatments.
It's really fucking sad.... Her life in its entirety wasn't sad, but shit, it wasn't something to aspire to. The only thing enviable is that she came from money and privilege and was famous..... If I had to live her life or the life of a hermit who lived in a shack, but was truly happy, I'd choose the hermit.
Humans are weird.
Why do we glamorize young, beautiful addicts? Seriously, no wonder so many of us are fucked up.
The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
ZF suffered from Bi-Polar Disorder and Manic Depression. She self medicated with a lot of alcohol. She was married to a man who was simultaneously threatened and enamored by her and because of this confusing dichotomy, he ended up shitting all over her before he died of alcoholism.
She died seven years later in a fire in the sanitarium where she lived, locked in a room awaiting her electric shock treatments.
It's really fucking sad.... Her life in its entirety wasn't sad, but shit, it wasn't something to aspire to. The only thing enviable is that she came from money and privilege and was famous..... If I had to live her life or the life of a hermit who lived in a shack, but was truly happy, I'd choose the hermit.
Humans are weird.
Why do we glamorize young, beautiful addicts? Seriously, no wonder so many of us are fucked up.
The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Oogie Boogie Ghosts of Bad Times Past
I was reading about Children of Emotional Neglect and of course there was a quiz, and of course if you answered "yes" to three or more questions, you suffered "emotional neglect" as a child. It's kind of a hard quiz to take, emotionally, because I vividly remember being chastised for crying too much, being too happy or goofy and feeling like the attention I craved as a small child was a burden to everyone around me. Those are pretty painful emotional pinches that leave marks on the psyche of he four year old.
But, at the same time I was wincing at the memories this quiz was bringing to the surface, I was simultaneously rolling my eyes and thinking "Toughen the fuck up, ding dongs."
I'm in the tail of end of Generation X, being born in the late 1970's. My parents were raised by "the Greatest Generation", a generation that was born during the first Great War, saw Prohibition and the rise of organized crime, suffered through the Great Depression and sacrificed stoically during the rise and fall of Fascism, Genocide and WW2. The "GG" was the last American Generation to really, truly know group suffering on an intimate level and in the face of that great suffering, they persevered, never to speak of it again.
And you know what? They really, really needed to fucking talk about it. Just because they gave better, more prosperous lives to the Baby Boomers, there was a lot of underlying emotional damage they were silently dealing with and unknowingly passing on to their children. Their children, in return, wanted to break free of the misery shackles, but, at the same time, wanted the same comforts of tradition their parents bestowed on them. So they liberated themselves, while shackling themselves in tandem, leading to my Generation and the Age of Divorce and latchkey kids.
We were taught there were better things to cry about. There were, logically, to an adult. But, shit man.... You can't say that to toddlers. We were told that we were too loud, or that it wasn't the time to be silly, and to sit up straight, and, even though wool felt like shit against your skin and made you want to scream, you were lucky to be warm... oh, and kids were starving in China, so you should eat the gross, gray blob on your plate.
Sure, it's not abusive and it's not neglectful on an malicious level.... BUT, those sayings are also needless and totally contrary to human emotion. Fuck that. Cry if you want to cry, and laugh too loud at inappropriate times. There is going to be enough personal misery to come in a human being's lifetime that an adult who shits on the natural being of child, just needs to stop.
So, I'm stopping it. I didn't do it to my kids and I'm going to stop doing it to myself.
The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past. I am a new person.
But, at the same time I was wincing at the memories this quiz was bringing to the surface, I was simultaneously rolling my eyes and thinking "Toughen the fuck up, ding dongs."
I'm in the tail of end of Generation X, being born in the late 1970's. My parents were raised by "the Greatest Generation", a generation that was born during the first Great War, saw Prohibition and the rise of organized crime, suffered through the Great Depression and sacrificed stoically during the rise and fall of Fascism, Genocide and WW2. The "GG" was the last American Generation to really, truly know group suffering on an intimate level and in the face of that great suffering, they persevered, never to speak of it again.
And you know what? They really, really needed to fucking talk about it. Just because they gave better, more prosperous lives to the Baby Boomers, there was a lot of underlying emotional damage they were silently dealing with and unknowingly passing on to their children. Their children, in return, wanted to break free of the misery shackles, but, at the same time, wanted the same comforts of tradition their parents bestowed on them. So they liberated themselves, while shackling themselves in tandem, leading to my Generation and the Age of Divorce and latchkey kids.
We were taught there were better things to cry about. There were, logically, to an adult. But, shit man.... You can't say that to toddlers. We were told that we were too loud, or that it wasn't the time to be silly, and to sit up straight, and, even though wool felt like shit against your skin and made you want to scream, you were lucky to be warm... oh, and kids were starving in China, so you should eat the gross, gray blob on your plate.
Sure, it's not abusive and it's not neglectful on an malicious level.... BUT, those sayings are also needless and totally contrary to human emotion. Fuck that. Cry if you want to cry, and laugh too loud at inappropriate times. There is going to be enough personal misery to come in a human being's lifetime that an adult who shits on the natural being of child, just needs to stop.
So, I'm stopping it. I didn't do it to my kids and I'm going to stop doing it to myself.
The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past. I am a new person.
Monday, May 1, 2017
Day 15: Meditation: Transformation
This weekend was really hard. I have to remember to be mindful of my cycle because my pre and post-menstrual times are seriously choppy and emotional times and I am a person who is not comfortable with being emotionally uncomfortable.
I think this has everything to do with being the oldest daughter, middle child and child of an alcoholic, dysfunctional family. I was always the strong child. My older brother and younger sister fell apart so many times growing up, my parents, though divorced, were constantly putting back them back together. I felt I had to be strong, independent and together, not only to benefit my parents, but to feel superior to my siblings. NICE!
My dad went to rehab when I was in second grade. I never knew he had a drinking problem, mostly, because he was never home. I don't have any recollections of him being messy, or passing out... the only thing I can surmise now is that weekend mornings he liked to make greasy egg and mayo sandwiches to ease his hangovers. They were gross and thinking about them now makes me want to hurl.
The day he left for rehab, we told my Nanny he was going to Paris for business, which made sense because he had just gotten back from a month in China. Later that night, my Mom gathered us for dinner and told us that Dad was not only NOT in Paris, but in Riverside hospital, 30 miles away. We were not to tell anyone, especially our grandparents. This had zero affect on me, and I took my plate into the living room to watch television because Three's Company was on reruns and we had gotten to the Terri years. Terri was my favorite blonde.
We would go to family days at Rehab where we would sit though super long meetings with the adults, eat chicken salad croissants for lunch in the cafeteria, and then do child-centric art classes with weird old ladies who really wanted us to be sad. I loved chicken salad croissants, and was so relieved to be able to do some art, that when I got to "sad-sandwich art class", I was usually pretty chipper. I soon realized that if I wanted to get these grief vultures off of my back, I needed to make sad family finger painted portraits and then fake cry so I wouldn't have to talk. This satiated these women, and awarded me time to myself in the corner.
On the way home, we were allowed to rent whatever video we wanted from the video store AND we got to have TV dinners for supper. It was awesome. The Weird Science and Swanson years.
Soon after my dad got sober, he decided he was too selfish to be a full time father, so he moved out. Not having him around was normal, so I really didn't realize how terribly this affected me until I was in my 20s and had developed crippling anxiety, depression and panic attacks.
Today I am mediating about transformation and what it takes. I need to delve into these terrible, very bad things that happened when I was a child in order to put together the puzzle that lead me to hate myself. It's not fun, but transformation rarely is.
The Phoenix has to burn and char before it can rise from the ashes and regain its life.
Pass the matches, please.
I think this has everything to do with being the oldest daughter, middle child and child of an alcoholic, dysfunctional family. I was always the strong child. My older brother and younger sister fell apart so many times growing up, my parents, though divorced, were constantly putting back them back together. I felt I had to be strong, independent and together, not only to benefit my parents, but to feel superior to my siblings. NICE!
My dad went to rehab when I was in second grade. I never knew he had a drinking problem, mostly, because he was never home. I don't have any recollections of him being messy, or passing out... the only thing I can surmise now is that weekend mornings he liked to make greasy egg and mayo sandwiches to ease his hangovers. They were gross and thinking about them now makes me want to hurl.
The day he left for rehab, we told my Nanny he was going to Paris for business, which made sense because he had just gotten back from a month in China. Later that night, my Mom gathered us for dinner and told us that Dad was not only NOT in Paris, but in Riverside hospital, 30 miles away. We were not to tell anyone, especially our grandparents. This had zero affect on me, and I took my plate into the living room to watch television because Three's Company was on reruns and we had gotten to the Terri years. Terri was my favorite blonde.
We would go to family days at Rehab where we would sit though super long meetings with the adults, eat chicken salad croissants for lunch in the cafeteria, and then do child-centric art classes with weird old ladies who really wanted us to be sad. I loved chicken salad croissants, and was so relieved to be able to do some art, that when I got to "sad-sandwich art class", I was usually pretty chipper. I soon realized that if I wanted to get these grief vultures off of my back, I needed to make sad family finger painted portraits and then fake cry so I wouldn't have to talk. This satiated these women, and awarded me time to myself in the corner.
On the way home, we were allowed to rent whatever video we wanted from the video store AND we got to have TV dinners for supper. It was awesome. The Weird Science and Swanson years.
Soon after my dad got sober, he decided he was too selfish to be a full time father, so he moved out. Not having him around was normal, so I really didn't realize how terribly this affected me until I was in my 20s and had developed crippling anxiety, depression and panic attacks.
Today I am mediating about transformation and what it takes. I need to delve into these terrible, very bad things that happened when I was a child in order to put together the puzzle that lead me to hate myself. It's not fun, but transformation rarely is.
The Phoenix has to burn and char before it can rise from the ashes and regain its life.
Pass the matches, please.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
TWO WEEKS.
Last night was hard for me. I wa lonely and really triggered to drink. I'm a person who loves to be alone, but then, out of nowhere, will just start to feel super isolated and lonely and my go to was always wine. I had to sit through my uncomfortable feelings last night, have a boo hoo sesh, then meditate and then I made some dinner. It wasn't like the experience magically turned into "OMG SO GREAT!", it was melancholy and blah, but the silver lining is that I didn't drink. I don't like being uncomfortable with my feelings, so I used to just turn the off. It's a tough lesson to learn; how to sit with your feelings when you're sad and angry, but it's vital to survival.
Luckily, my husband came home and had dinner with me. That, combined with some food, made me feel better. Dinner was really yummy and I let myself have two pieces of angel food cake for dessert. (I worked out hard yesterday, burned over 1000 calories).
Boredom is starting to set in, so I need to keep myself busy. I also let someone under my skin this morning. He's my friend, but he's really sexist and doesn't realize it, which is a bummer.
Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious sober act must be to remove negativity from my life.
Luckily, my husband came home and had dinner with me. That, combined with some food, made me feel better. Dinner was really yummy and I let myself have two pieces of angel food cake for dessert. (I worked out hard yesterday, burned over 1000 calories).
Boredom is starting to set in, so I need to keep myself busy. I also let someone under my skin this morning. He's my friend, but he's really sexist and doesn't realize it, which is a bummer.
Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious sober act must be to remove negativity from my life.
Saturday, April 29, 2017
Lucky 13
Any negative encounter I have, I will push back with love and positivity.
I can't wait for Mercury to be out of retrograde. I need to some major day saving and it's getting me cranky. All is well in the end, but it's still a challenging time.
I went to my therapist this morning and he is such a god-send. I've had so many other therapists, but this guy I just mesh with. He's my personal therapist, my marriage counselor, my step-daughter's counselor and my sober coach.
I also have a sober friend to go to meetings with! I'm so excited!
I'm going to go to a meeting by myself today so I can get into the habit.
Having my driving privileges back has lessened my anxiety ten fold because I CAN WORK NOW. I love working, so this is huge.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I can't wait for Mercury to be out of retrograde. I need to some major day saving and it's getting me cranky. All is well in the end, but it's still a challenging time.
I went to my therapist this morning and he is such a god-send. I've had so many other therapists, but this guy I just mesh with. He's my personal therapist, my marriage counselor, my step-daughter's counselor and my sober coach.
I also have a sober friend to go to meetings with! I'm so excited!
I'm going to go to a meeting by myself today so I can get into the habit.
Having my driving privileges back has lessened my anxiety ten fold because I CAN WORK NOW. I love working, so this is huge.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Friday, April 28, 2017
Day 12
What a day! I went to court and got driving privileges. YAY! But, I still have another hearing? This is never ending.
Anyways, yoga jacked up my back today and I'm beat, so I'm going to wrap this up.
Day 12, FIN.
grateful for my Mommy and my family! And for spring thunderstorms.
Anyways, yoga jacked up my back today and I'm beat, so I'm going to wrap this up.
Day 12, FIN.
grateful for my Mommy and my family! And for spring thunderstorms.
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Evening Gratitude and Meditation
"If you want to truly understand something, try to change it. -Kurt Lewin"
Perplexing isn't it?? It reminds me of some boys I was friends with as a child who would get new toys and immediately take them apart just to put them back together. When I asked Doug why he did that he simply responded "Well, if it's mine I need to know how it really works." DEEP! Especially for a second grader!
I'm taking this philosophy to my brain and understanding why I do the things I do and the pattern of my thinking. I know there is a treasure trove of childhood dysfunction I need to delve into to trace the conduit of my thoughts. What it comes down to is that I don't trust: I don't feel lovable: I don't feel like I'm good enough.
I have therapy on Saturday morning, so the hard work starts then.
I'm so grateful for the breadcrumbs the universe is sending me right now that are enabling me to build my sober toolbox. Life can be good, can't it?
Perplexing isn't it?? It reminds me of some boys I was friends with as a child who would get new toys and immediately take them apart just to put them back together. When I asked Doug why he did that he simply responded "Well, if it's mine I need to know how it really works." DEEP! Especially for a second grader!
I'm taking this philosophy to my brain and understanding why I do the things I do and the pattern of my thinking. I know there is a treasure trove of childhood dysfunction I need to delve into to trace the conduit of my thoughts. What it comes down to is that I don't trust: I don't feel lovable: I don't feel like I'm good enough.
I have therapy on Saturday morning, so the hard work starts then.
I'm so grateful for the breadcrumbs the universe is sending me right now that are enabling me to build my sober toolbox. Life can be good, can't it?
Replacing "BINGE" with "CRINGE".
I'm a binge drinker. I can stop for months at a time and do so for "cleansing" and "diet" purposes, which is why, at 11 days after my last binge and not really getting too many triggers, I'm still terrified. I love to party and it's a part of my total "Peter Pan Syndrome" and habits of escapism. It makes the responsibilities of my adult life fade into black, and "relaxes me". It also causes very poor decision making, black outs, lost days to hangovers, physically maiming myself, embarrassing myself and my family, hurting my family, hurting my career, neglecting responsibilities and, when looking back, isn't as fun anymore as I would like to fool myself into thinking. It's a bad look and it's killing me. It has to stop and it has to stop now.
Crisis Management
Day 11 and these snags in my deals are kicking my butt. However, I'm putting on a brave face, and a kick ass competent attitude for my clients to take care of business.
My court date is tomorrow and though I'm nervous, I'm being Zen about it because I just can't control what is going to happen and fretting about it is an exercise in futility. One thing I'm being mindful of is slowing down my reactions. I don't need to be knee jerk about everything and immediately go into panic mode. I need to let things run their course, examine them, meditate and then go about my problem solving.
I'm leaning on two principles today:
My court date is tomorrow and though I'm nervous, I'm being Zen about it because I just can't control what is going to happen and fretting about it is an exercise in futility. One thing I'm being mindful of is slowing down my reactions. I don't need to be knee jerk about everything and immediately go into panic mode. I need to let things run their course, examine them, meditate and then go about my problem solving.
I'm leaning on two principles today:
- Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure all moments of my new life. - I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
This is what I am and I shall know it always.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Mercury Retrograde
So, work has been really stressful today and I can't help but blame Mercury Retrograde.
A few weeks a year, the planet Mercury looks like it's moving backwards in the sky, against the rest of the stars. According to an article in the Huffington Post, Mercury rules “intelligence, mind, memory and all types of communication ranging from talking and texting to writing. It also affects your self-expression and communication style. In a more public sense, it rules commerce, computers, telephones, transportation and air travel.”
I work in commerce and I've had two closings delayed in the past week and a really low appraisal I have to rebut.
FUN TIMES.
Add in monthly menses misery and everything else going on, it's been a super fun last two weeks of April!
The bright side? None of this made me want to drink and I went to Marshalls today and bought new, comfy summer jam jam jammies.
So, life is good and this concludes Day 10! I'm in double digits!!
A few weeks a year, the planet Mercury looks like it's moving backwards in the sky, against the rest of the stars. According to an article in the Huffington Post, Mercury rules “intelligence, mind, memory and all types of communication ranging from talking and texting to writing. It also affects your self-expression and communication style. In a more public sense, it rules commerce, computers, telephones, transportation and air travel.”
I work in commerce and I've had two closings delayed in the past week and a really low appraisal I have to rebut.
FUN TIMES.
Add in monthly menses misery and everything else going on, it's been a super fun last two weeks of April!
The bright side? None of this made me want to drink and I went to Marshalls today and bought new, comfy summer jam jam jammies.
So, life is good and this concludes Day 10! I'm in double digits!!
Daily Meditation: Greatness
I've suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember. My mom said when I was a baby, she would watch me watch another person doing something, very intently, and then I would only do it if I was sure I could execute it perfectly. If it didn't go as I had planned, I would become incredibly upset.
I've always wanted to be great and thought I could be great. What I didn't know is that I already possess this and now I just need to be mindful and execute this greatness in all its imperfect perfections.
Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Daily gratitude
Today was a good day. No cravings and just totally normal. I needed it.
I'm so grateful for my family. I am such a lucky, lucky woman.
Day 10, tomorrow! So grateful for that!
I'm so grateful for my family. I am such a lucky, lucky woman.
Day 10, tomorrow! So grateful for that!
Day 9
I really miss driving.
Luckily, right now all of my business is taking place in my neighborhood, so I can walk to appointments, which I would do anyways. I've gotten two deals under contract since my arrest, so YAY. But, I miss prospecting, going to my office and just having that luxury. So many things taken for granted.
This will be a hard week and I will need to stay busy, regimented and focused. I knew it would be, because stopping drinking for a week for me is the usual. I've stopped for over a month before for diet reasons.
But the truth of the matter is, I don't want one glass of wine.... I want to sit in my back yard with my best friends and get fucked up. It's my favorite thing to do and I can't do it anymore. I think this week will be a mourning period for me of the life I used to lead and the fun parts... However, instead of just focussing on the fun parts, I need to remember the annoyance and disappointment in my husband's face, the embarrassment of my children, the doors I forgot to lock, the candles I forgot to burn out, the dry, brittle, bile feeling of my body and the taste of soot and sand in my mouth. The headaches and the cravings for shitty food. The lost motivation to take my dogs on a walk and the feeling of shame that comes from spending an entire day on the couch that was cause by alcohol abuse.
I can and will do great things with the rest of my life.
Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
Luckily, right now all of my business is taking place in my neighborhood, so I can walk to appointments, which I would do anyways. I've gotten two deals under contract since my arrest, so YAY. But, I miss prospecting, going to my office and just having that luxury. So many things taken for granted.
This will be a hard week and I will need to stay busy, regimented and focused. I knew it would be, because stopping drinking for a week for me is the usual. I've stopped for over a month before for diet reasons.
But the truth of the matter is, I don't want one glass of wine.... I want to sit in my back yard with my best friends and get fucked up. It's my favorite thing to do and I can't do it anymore. I think this week will be a mourning period for me of the life I used to lead and the fun parts... However, instead of just focussing on the fun parts, I need to remember the annoyance and disappointment in my husband's face, the embarrassment of my children, the doors I forgot to lock, the candles I forgot to burn out, the dry, brittle, bile feeling of my body and the taste of soot and sand in my mouth. The headaches and the cravings for shitty food. The lost motivation to take my dogs on a walk and the feeling of shame that comes from spending an entire day on the couch that was cause by alcohol abuse.
I can and will do great things with the rest of my life.
Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
Monday, April 24, 2017
Welp.
So, nothing happened today other than I have a court date on Friday.
Today I was super triggered to drink, but I didn't. My mom and I went and got our nails done after court. We also drove around a very special neighborhood I want to start rehabbing houses in. I can do that sober. I know I can.
When I got home my step daughter was just getting home and someone had made her very upset. Teenage boys are the worst. I was able to get her smiling and love on her a bit. It felt really good. I love her so much.
We also ordered sushi take out for dinner! SCORE.
I have so much to be grateful for. My family is awesome and my life is pretty sweet. Thank you, God.
Day 8, over and out.
Today I was super triggered to drink, but I didn't. My mom and I went and got our nails done after court. We also drove around a very special neighborhood I want to start rehabbing houses in. I can do that sober. I know I can.
When I got home my step daughter was just getting home and someone had made her very upset. Teenage boys are the worst. I was able to get her smiling and love on her a bit. It felt really good. I love her so much.
We also ordered sushi take out for dinner! SCORE.
I have so much to be grateful for. My family is awesome and my life is pretty sweet. Thank you, God.
Day 8, over and out.
Judgment Day
I'm a weepy, nervous wreck. I might go to jail today. JAIL.
What ever happens, I know I will be okay, but I am so scared right now. I have deals in the works and people really depending on me and I really don't want to let them down.
I'm kind of paralyzed right now with fear. I know I'll be okay, but I'm crying and I feel like throwing up.
Day 8.
What ever happens, I know I will be okay, but I am so scared right now. I have deals in the works and people really depending on me and I really don't want to let them down.
I'm kind of paralyzed right now with fear. I know I'll be okay, but I'm crying and I feel like throwing up.
Day 8.
The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Lonesome Triggers.
Sundays in my past meant working open houses, showing houses and then a lot of eating and drinking with my husband.
I'm doing some paperwork today, but no open houses. I can't really show houses because I can't drive anywhere, so that makes going around the area difficult. I've been in the yard, weeding and mulching, while drinking LaCroix and smoking. I'm very triggered. I'd love to have a beer.
My husband is out. He went to his Mom's to help her with things, and now I can see from his phone that he's at the bar he owns. I know he always has a ton of work to do around there, so I know he's doing that, but I also know he's drinking. I don't know why this bugs me, but it does.
Sobriety is my journey and though he's a huge reason I'm doing it, I'm ultimately doing it for myself. But, it's lonely and isolating. I would go to a meeting, but I can't get there, so blogging it is.
Still Day 7. Court is tomorrow.
God, grant me the strength.
I'm doing some paperwork today, but no open houses. I can't really show houses because I can't drive anywhere, so that makes going around the area difficult. I've been in the yard, weeding and mulching, while drinking LaCroix and smoking. I'm very triggered. I'd love to have a beer.
My husband is out. He went to his Mom's to help her with things, and now I can see from his phone that he's at the bar he owns. I know he always has a ton of work to do around there, so I know he's doing that, but I also know he's drinking. I don't know why this bugs me, but it does.
Sobriety is my journey and though he's a huge reason I'm doing it, I'm ultimately doing it for myself. But, it's lonely and isolating. I would go to a meeting, but I can't get there, so blogging it is.
Still Day 7. Court is tomorrow.
God, grant me the strength.
Little Victories.
Last week at this time, I was huddled in my bed, talking to an attorney on the phone about my OVI case and wondering how to tell my husband what happened. I was gagging up bile all day, with a severe hangover. My husband went to work and I emailed him the news because I was a coward.
Today, one week later, I am sober seven days. I just got back from my yoga practice and for the first time ever, I held the Backasana pose for five deep breaths.
God is great! Day 7.
I am no longer a coward. I am a capable, confident, strong woman. I love my husband and he deserves my honesty 100% of the time.
Today, one week later, I am sober seven days. I just got back from my yoga practice and for the first time ever, I held the Backasana pose for five deep breaths.
God is great! Day 7.
I am no longer a coward. I am a capable, confident, strong woman. I love my husband and he deserves my honesty 100% of the time.
Emotional
"Instant gratification takes too long".-Carrie Fisher
The state of "unknown" in my life is really starting to get me down. Tomorrow is my court date, which is terrifying, but relieving because I then know what I will be facing. I'm hoping for the best and preparing for the worst, as I do with everything in my life. I know I should try to cultivate more positivity, and I am, but with this, I think I need to take a good look at the possible consequences and prepare for each one. I just don't want to lose my livelihood. I love my job and I've worked very hard to get to where I am. Losing my license will mean I cannot work. I hope they do take mercy on me there.
What ever happens, I know I will survive.
Also, I'm raising a teenaged girl right now and it's very challenging. Teenaged girls can be incredibly mean and snarky and in my emotional state, I'm incredibly vulnerable to it. Also, what is it with them amping up the attitude when their friends are around? It makes me not want to let her have them over!! LOL! Yesterday, I went off script and asked her to help her brother with the dishes really quickly. We had said she could have friends over that night but she had to clean her room and bathroom. She freaked out on me, was nasty, and made me cry. Her dad then revoked the friends coming over and sent her to her Mom's house. She's supposed to be with her Mom on Saturdays and Sundays, but has been over for here for some reason.
Anyways, from now on she needs to spend her weekends there. I'm too overwhelmed right now and need her Mom's help (which she is more than willing to give). BUT, I also need to change my approach with my girl. I love her more than anything and sometimes it's hard to convey that when I'm trying to get assistance. I'm impatient, as are many alcoholics, and as a result of my past, I feel like I have no voice and am never heard, which is usually NOT the case, but these feelings bring out the drill sergeant in me, which is just not effective.
From now on, it's deep breaths, mindfulness and kindness I will use to get assistance in the house. If I'm met with snarkiness from the 14 year old, me, the 41 year old, will face it with patience and love.
Daily Meditation:
The state of "unknown" in my life is really starting to get me down. Tomorrow is my court date, which is terrifying, but relieving because I then know what I will be facing. I'm hoping for the best and preparing for the worst, as I do with everything in my life. I know I should try to cultivate more positivity, and I am, but with this, I think I need to take a good look at the possible consequences and prepare for each one. I just don't want to lose my livelihood. I love my job and I've worked very hard to get to where I am. Losing my license will mean I cannot work. I hope they do take mercy on me there.
What ever happens, I know I will survive.
Also, I'm raising a teenaged girl right now and it's very challenging. Teenaged girls can be incredibly mean and snarky and in my emotional state, I'm incredibly vulnerable to it. Also, what is it with them amping up the attitude when their friends are around? It makes me not want to let her have them over!! LOL! Yesterday, I went off script and asked her to help her brother with the dishes really quickly. We had said she could have friends over that night but she had to clean her room and bathroom. She freaked out on me, was nasty, and made me cry. Her dad then revoked the friends coming over and sent her to her Mom's house. She's supposed to be with her Mom on Saturdays and Sundays, but has been over for here for some reason.
Anyways, from now on she needs to spend her weekends there. I'm too overwhelmed right now and need her Mom's help (which she is more than willing to give). BUT, I also need to change my approach with my girl. I love her more than anything and sometimes it's hard to convey that when I'm trying to get assistance. I'm impatient, as are many alcoholics, and as a result of my past, I feel like I have no voice and am never heard, which is usually NOT the case, but these feelings bring out the drill sergeant in me, which is just not effective.
From now on, it's deep breaths, mindfulness and kindness I will use to get assistance in the house. If I'm met with snarkiness from the 14 year old, me, the 41 year old, will face it with patience and love.
Daily Meditation:
- I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Easter: Rebirth
I was pulled over and arrested on Easter Sunday for my first OVI.
This also happened on Easter Sunday.
http://www.wlwt.com/article/repeat-dui-offender-hits-uc-grad-student-easter-sunday/9543710
I have no judgment for Sterling. I could have easily been her. I hope she finds what she needs and I'm so glad the victim wasn't killed.
Easter is about the resurrection of Jesus from the dead and his ascension into heaven. For me, it will always be about resurrection, but my personal resurrection from my personal death. I am reborn. This is my Act 2.
Sending peace to Natasha Sterling and Matt Rigdon. Also sending peace to everyone in the world struggling with addiction.
Namaste <3
This also happened on Easter Sunday.
http://www.wlwt.com/article/repeat-dui-offender-hits-uc-grad-student-easter-sunday/9543710
I have no judgment for Sterling. I could have easily been her. I hope she finds what she needs and I'm so glad the victim wasn't killed.
Easter is about the resurrection of Jesus from the dead and his ascension into heaven. For me, it will always be about resurrection, but my personal resurrection from my personal death. I am reborn. This is my Act 2.
Sending peace to Natasha Sterling and Matt Rigdon. Also sending peace to everyone in the world struggling with addiction.
Namaste <3
Morning Meditation: Earth Day
Yesterday, FRIDAY (THE WITCHING HOUR) I began preparing a tasty dinner for my husband for his birthday. Ribs, (brined since Thursday), potatoes, green beans and a fruit tart.... All of the favorites for this Southern Boy! I also did a nice 4 mile run in the morning with the dogs in the city scape, rural scape and then ended in the woods. I'm so grateful to live in such an ecologically diverse area. One part city, one part country, the other part, forest. I put the finishing touches on some deals, dealt with melt-downs on others, all without a panic attack.
Oh, and we went to therapy and I had to come to terms with the fact that my white lies, lies by omission and drinking were really hurting my husband. I now acknowledge this, soberly, and I'm committing to make it right with him. He deserves much better than what I've been putting him through, and it's been my damaged, alcoholic brain that has been justifying my treatment of him. It stops now.
I also went to Yoga and it was a really small class, so that was LOVELY.
On my walk home, I allowed myself to buy a Coke and a pack of cigarettes. I figure right now the priority is NOT DRINKING, and grilling out is a trigger for me, so I let myself have "treat aka cruth" for the final dinner prep. I was proud of myself, because I drank half of the Coke and had one smoke, and was satiated.
Dinner was DELISH and we started watching season 2 of the Leftovers to refresh for some binging of Season 3 when there is more than one episode out. Also? GAME OF THRONES COUNTDOWN, LIKE A LITTLE OVER TWO MONTHS!
Today, my meditation is on this:
The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
I've allowed myself to stymie my growth emotionally and have relied on snarkiness, sarcasm and negativity wrapped in "humor" as a way to express myself. I hate saying this but "I AM BROKEN INSIDE" and it scares me. I don't like appearing vulnerable or weak, so I mask it with attitude and aggression. People then think I'm tough...... I'm not. I'm sensitive and insecure. I'm introspective and at the heart of it, I'm gentle. Harming others affects me.... I cry over road-kill, for crissakes.
I need to start shedding this armor so I can begin to heal and grow in a proper, functional way.
Day 6.
Oh, and we went to therapy and I had to come to terms with the fact that my white lies, lies by omission and drinking were really hurting my husband. I now acknowledge this, soberly, and I'm committing to make it right with him. He deserves much better than what I've been putting him through, and it's been my damaged, alcoholic brain that has been justifying my treatment of him. It stops now.
I also went to Yoga and it was a really small class, so that was LOVELY.
On my walk home, I allowed myself to buy a Coke and a pack of cigarettes. I figure right now the priority is NOT DRINKING, and grilling out is a trigger for me, so I let myself have "treat aka cruth" for the final dinner prep. I was proud of myself, because I drank half of the Coke and had one smoke, and was satiated.
Dinner was DELISH and we started watching season 2 of the Leftovers to refresh for some binging of Season 3 when there is more than one episode out. Also? GAME OF THRONES COUNTDOWN, LIKE A LITTLE OVER TWO MONTHS!
Today, my meditation is on this:
The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
I've allowed myself to stymie my growth emotionally and have relied on snarkiness, sarcasm and negativity wrapped in "humor" as a way to express myself. I hate saying this but "I AM BROKEN INSIDE" and it scares me. I don't like appearing vulnerable or weak, so I mask it with attitude and aggression. People then think I'm tough...... I'm not. I'm sensitive and insecure. I'm introspective and at the heart of it, I'm gentle. Harming others affects me.... I cry over road-kill, for crissakes.
I need to start shedding this armor so I can begin to heal and grow in a proper, functional way.
Day 6.
Friday, April 21, 2017
Making Amends.
It's amazing how we fool ourselves into thinking we're the real victims in our life, as we drive through it like a bat out of hell in a bumper car alley. I'm standing here, next to my car, looking at the carnage I've caused all around me, and it's dawning on me that I caused this... Just me, my abuse and MY ISSUES. I don't trust and because I don't trust, I don't expect people to do right by me. But before they can do wrong, I will go ahead and wrong them. Because, I've either concocted a transgression, or am harping on one I've already "forgiven", or if none of the above apply, in my mind, it's only a matter of time, so might as well cut this one off at the pass.
Jeezle.
I've made a mess, but I'm ready to clean it up. The past is gone and I am not a victim.
Jeezle.
I've made a mess, but I'm ready to clean it up. The past is gone and I am not a victim.
Morning Thoughts
I like to read astrology. I don't know if I "BELIEVE" in it, but I do find coincidences in sign traits and even monthly events that keep me hooked. According to Susan Miller, the full moon on the 14th of this month was a DOOZY and has really sent a lot of people into a tailspin. I know I've been having my issues!
However, this harkens back to responsibility. The full moon may have given me extra anxiety, but it is not responsible for my binge drinking and then driving and then getting arrested. That is all my fault and a result of my poor decisions. If I have to call that anything mystical, it's divine intervention.
This is what I'm meditating on today:
The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past. I am a new person.
No longer will I be victimized by the past. I am a new person.
That sentiment is very important to me and my recovery. I am a person who is always trying to find coincidences linking my past to the present and seeing how they are repeating themselves. This is an exercise in futility and it keeps me from living in the present. Who cares what happened ten years ago? It's gone. Over. Done. Finished. MOVE ON. Stop self flagellating for these past transgressions.
I'm carrying that into therapy today because my husband holds onto the past and things that I thought we had conquered, will rear their ugly heads in the heat of anger. I want this to stop, not just for us, but for him. It's got to be very hard to be so angry over something that happened so long ago..... Just like I know how hard it is to keep picking the scab of a long past wound you just won't let heal.
We need some healing. Let's start today.
Day Five with the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Evening Gratitude
You've got to get up every morning
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful, as you feel
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful, as you feel
I'm so grateful for my Mother. I would be nothing without her in my life and the love we have for one another is one of the most sacred gifts of my life. Her undying support, enthusiasm, kindness and acceptance always humble me.
Thank you, Universe, for bringing us together.
Today I had a lot of emotions. Tears, laughter, frustration, aggravation... I finally just meditated and I feel much better. this morning when I felt overwhelmed, I took the dogs on a run through the woods and centered. I have a feeling I'm going to be depending on exercise and meditation to get me into the present a lot in the next few months/years.
My husband and I are going to see our therapist tomorrow. I feel cautiously optimistic. Today is my husband's birthday and since tomorrow is Friday, I bought some babyback ribs, green beans, fingerling potatoes and a GORGEOUS fruit tart for dinner tomorrow night. I've got the ribs in a brine and I think it's going to be really nice.
Looking forward to Day 5.
God is great!
Responsibility
Morning Gratitude:I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life and my disease. I accept the responsibility.
I now take charge of my life and my disease. I accept the responsibility.
Patience is a virtue I have never possessed and the lack of it in my life has always been a point of contention, not only in my relationships with others, but with myself. I'm grateful I have competent representation for my OVI, but I really want this court date to come to pass so I at least know what I am facing. The not knowing has been really hard this week. My lawyer is confident, but me? Not so much. I hope for the best and accept the worst.
However, I am ready to face this. Not once during this time have I lamented my luck, or tried to deflect responsibility. I FUCKED UP AND I'M THE LUCKIEST WOMAN ON EARTH BECAUSE IT WASN'T ANY WORSE THAN IT WAS.
Another thought I am having this morning is about the opinion of other people and how I have to stop caring. I'm part of a generation that doesn't really understand the weight younger people put on the court of public opinion, and that's okay. They can do them and I can do me. Parts of my and my husband's professional lives are always going to be subject to public scrutiny and all we can do is our best. Trying to argue or debate these people is futile and I have better things to do.
I'm off to meditate about happiness and responsibility. Hopefully Day 4 is kind to me.
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Evening Gratitude
I have so many things to be grateful for, I really do. Right now I have just gotten home from my first ever meditation session at the Dharma Center in my neighborhood. It was challenging and wonderful! I'm so grateful to live in an area where I have this resource, and I can walk there!
I'm also grateful for living in an area that has woods I can hike through, as well as commute through by foot.
I'm grateful to have the opportunity to love and be loved by my dogs. They are the lights of my life.
Good night, blogland. Looking forward to Day 4.
I'm also grateful for living in an area that has woods I can hike through, as well as commute through by foot.
I'm grateful to have the opportunity to love and be loved by my dogs. They are the lights of my life.
Good night, blogland. Looking forward to Day 4.
Daily meditation: Why I Drink
Why I drink:
Why I drink:
Stress and hunger. When I'm stressed out, I have a tendency not to eat. I lose my appetite all together. This causes more stress, which makes me want to drink
I don't know "how to have fun" without alcohol. It seems like everything I deem as fun is either drinking related or "enhanced" by drinking.
I have panic disorder. When I go to concerts, ball games, or anything in big or tall structures (even museums and movies), or travel, my panic gets triggered. Drinking has always made that go away.
I feel socially awkward. I don't like being around people. I don't know how to relax and I have very low self esteem. People would say I'm very outgoing, but every interaction is stressful for me for a while. It's exhausting.
Drinking helps me forget. Anything I find painful, drinking helps me escape. It also helps me talk about issues I'm too afraid to talk about. Though, lately I've been depending on it to talk about anything bothering me, so I bottle emotions up and then explode when I'm drunk.
I don't like myself. My father was an alcoholic and he left when I was seven. He wasn't really ever there before that. This has caused a lot of damage within my soul. Even though we have a relationship now, it's not very close and I feel like I have to compete with my step-mother for his affection and she always wins. He left us for her and really never tried to seriously work things out with my mom. It's only been recent that I've let myself acknowledge what this has done to me. I was always too proud and wanted to be too strong to let anyone think this affected me. As a result of all of this, I have a deep seated issue with feeling lovable and as a result I like to test boundaries and behave like a wrecking ball. I doubt people's feelings for me no matter what they say or do. I don't really trust anyone.
I've been abused. I was sexually abused as a child. A friend attempted to rape me when I was 18, and I was raped by a guy in a touring band when I was 23. Sometimes it's hard for me to have sex sober.
I'm having a hard time aging. Sometimes I feel like partying keeps me young. But what it really does is make me look like a middle-aged, washed up drunk. I don't want to be that person and partying with 20 somethings doesn't turn time back.
I'm afraid my husband won't think I'm fun anymore if I don't drink.... which is stupid because I see the anxiety in his eyes when I do drink now a days. I also think we won't have anything in common anymore, which is ridiculous, because he's the only person I really enjoy being around and I'm definitely not drunk all of the time.
Destroying My Marriage One Drink at a Time.
What's funny, and not in a "ha ha" way is that I haven't been here in over two years and this title is still relevant.
I got my first OVI this past weekend. My BAC was over .18 so now I face a misdemeanor I can never have expunged, three days in jail, and $$$$s of dollars in lawyer's fees and fines. My husband is not thrilled, to say the least.
Since I was last here, I have had about three or four half hearted tries at sobriety. Mainly doing the Whole 30 and calling it a "cleanse". I've cut the drunkenness down to one or two days a week (GO ME!) and will regularly go ten days or so without drinking, so fooling myself into thinking "I've got this! No big deal!" But it is. I'm a bull in a china shop when I'm drunk and at 41 years, this is not a good look. My behavior while drinking has become increasingly erratic and my self esteem is at an all time low.
Terror doesn't quite accurately describe my feelings towards my legal situation. I go to court in five days.... then, at 41 years of age, I could be JAILED for three days. J A I L. The humiliation and fear that rings into my head are nauseating.
But the main point is this: I'm very lucky. I'm lucky I didn't hurt or maim anyone and I'm lucky to be alive. This is not the time for me to try to skirt the issue or get away with anything. I have to stand up and take responsibility for this and just handle it. Then I need to get real about my substance abuse.
I've found Women for Sobriety and I'm excited to get to know them better. My quote for the day is this:
"All love given, returns. I will learn to know that others love me."
I have a hard time believing I am loved, let alone knowing it.
Day 3.
I got my first OVI this past weekend. My BAC was over .18 so now I face a misdemeanor I can never have expunged, three days in jail, and $$$$s of dollars in lawyer's fees and fines. My husband is not thrilled, to say the least.
Since I was last here, I have had about three or four half hearted tries at sobriety. Mainly doing the Whole 30 and calling it a "cleanse". I've cut the drunkenness down to one or two days a week (GO ME!) and will regularly go ten days or so without drinking, so fooling myself into thinking "I've got this! No big deal!" But it is. I'm a bull in a china shop when I'm drunk and at 41 years, this is not a good look. My behavior while drinking has become increasingly erratic and my self esteem is at an all time low.
Terror doesn't quite accurately describe my feelings towards my legal situation. I go to court in five days.... then, at 41 years of age, I could be JAILED for three days. J A I L. The humiliation and fear that rings into my head are nauseating.
But the main point is this: I'm very lucky. I'm lucky I didn't hurt or maim anyone and I'm lucky to be alive. This is not the time for me to try to skirt the issue or get away with anything. I have to stand up and take responsibility for this and just handle it. Then I need to get real about my substance abuse.
I've found Women for Sobriety and I'm excited to get to know them better. My quote for the day is this:
"All love given, returns. I will learn to know that others love me."
I have a hard time believing I am loved, let alone knowing it.
Day 3.
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