Today during a meeting at work, we had to tell our neighbor something we were thankful for, but it had to be more personal than work oriented. It hit me then that I have a very hard time getting personal with people. I'm jovial, fun and conversational, but it's all very surface-y. I'm also a good listener, because the more I listen, the less I'm required to disclose.
I embarrass pretty easily, but I'm very good at shrugging it off, for appearances only. If I do something stupid or embarrassing, I act like it's really not a big deal and I'm so above the common humiliations others go through.... I have super human anti-humiliation skills, you see!!! It's all bullshit. Those humiliations bury into my soul and begin to fester into the pile of rotting previous humiliations I have hidden beneath the surface. They become just another reason as to why I don't like myself and why I'm not worthy.
I don't know how to open up more, but I need to...I need to be more honest with my feelings, not only with other people, but with myself.
Today is Day 4.
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