Daily meditation: Why I Drink

Why I drink:

Stress and hunger. When I'm stressed out, I have a tendency not to eat. I lose my appetite all together. This causes more stress, which makes me want to drink 

I don't know "how to have fun" without alcohol. It seems like everything I deem as fun is either drinking related or "enhanced" by drinking. 

I have panic disorder. When I go to concerts, ball games, or anything in big or tall structures (even museums and movies),  or travel, my panic gets triggered. Drinking has always made that go away. 

I feel socially awkward. I don't like being around people. I don't know how to relax and I have very low self esteem. People would say I'm very outgoing, but every interaction is stressful for me for a while. It's exhausting. 

Drinking helps me forget. Anything I find painful, drinking helps me escape. It also helps me talk about issues I'm too afraid to talk about. Though, lately I've been depending on it to talk about anything bothering me, so I bottle emotions up and then explode when I'm drunk.

 I don't like myself. My father was an alcoholic and he left when I was seven. He wasn't really ever there before that. This has caused a lot of damage within my soul. Even though we have a relationship now, it's not very close and I feel like I have to compete with my step-mother for his affection and she always wins. He left us for her and really never tried to seriously work things out with my mom. It's only been recent that I've let myself acknowledge what this has done to me. I was always too proud and wanted to be too strong to let anyone think this affected me. As a result of all of this, I have a deep seated issue with feeling lovable and as a result I like to test boundaries and behave like a wrecking ball. I doubt people's feelings for me no matter what they say or do. I don't really trust anyone. 

I've been abused. I was sexually abused as a child. A friend attempted to rape me when I was 18, and I was raped by a guy in a touring band when I was 23.  Sometimes it's hard for me to have sex sober. 

I'm having a hard time aging.  Sometimes I feel like partying keeps me young.  But what it really does is make me look like a middle-aged, washed up drunk.  I don't want to be that person and partying with 20 somethings doesn't turn time back. 

I'm afraid my husband won't think I'm fun anymore if I don't drink.... which is stupid because I see the anxiety in his eyes when I do drink now a days. I also think we won't have anything in common anymore, which is ridiculous, because he's the only person I really enjoy being around and I'm definitely not drunk all of the time.