Destroying My Marriage One Drink at a Time.

What's funny, and not in a "ha ha" way is that I haven't been here in over two years and this title is still relevant.

I got my first OVI  this past weekend. My BAC was over .18 so now I face a misdemeanor I can never have expunged, three days in jail, and $$$$s of dollars in lawyer's fees and fines. My husband is not thrilled, to say the least.

Since I was last here, I have had about three or four half hearted tries at sobriety. Mainly doing the Whole 30 and calling it a "cleanse". I've cut the drunkenness down to one or two days a week (GO ME!) and will regularly go ten days or so without drinking, so fooling myself into thinking "I've got this! No big deal!" But it is. I'm a bull in a china shop when I'm drunk and at 41 years, this is not a good look. My behavior while drinking has become increasingly erratic and my self esteem is at an all time low.

Terror doesn't quite accurately describe my feelings towards my legal situation. I go to court in five days.... then, at 41 years of age, I could be JAILED for three days. J A I L. The humiliation and fear that rings into my head are nauseating.

But the main point is this: I'm very lucky. I'm lucky I didn't hurt or maim anyone and I'm lucky to be alive. This is not the time for me to try to skirt the issue or get away with anything. I have to stand up and take responsibility for this and just handle it. Then I need to get real about my substance abuse.

I've found Women for Sobriety and I'm excited to get to know them better. My quote for the day is this:

"All love given, returns. I will learn to know that others love me."

I have a hard time believing I am loved, let alone knowing it.

Day 3.