The state of "unknown" in my life is really starting to get me down. Tomorrow is my court date, which is terrifying, but relieving because I then know what I will be facing. I'm hoping for the best and preparing for the worst, as I do with everything in my life. I know I should try to cultivate more positivity, and I am, but with this, I think I need to take a good look at the possible consequences and prepare for each one. I just don't want to lose my livelihood. I love my job and I've worked very hard to get to where I am. Losing my license will mean I cannot work. I hope they do take mercy on me there.
What ever happens, I know I will survive.
Also, I'm raising a teenaged girl right now and it's very challenging. Teenaged girls can be incredibly mean and snarky and in my emotional state, I'm incredibly vulnerable to it. Also, what is it with them amping up the attitude when their friends are around? It makes me not want to let her have them over!! LOL! Yesterday, I went off script and asked her to help her brother with the dishes really quickly. We had said she could have friends over that night but she had to clean her room and bathroom. She freaked out on me, was nasty, and made me cry. Her dad then revoked the friends coming over and sent her to her Mom's house. She's supposed to be with her Mom on Saturdays and Sundays, but has been over for here for some reason.
Anyways, from now on she needs to spend her weekends there. I'm too overwhelmed right now and need her Mom's help (which she is more than willing to give). BUT, I also need to change my approach with my girl. I love her more than anything and sometimes it's hard to convey that when I'm trying to get assistance. I'm impatient, as are many alcoholics, and as a result of my past, I feel like I have no voice and am never heard, which is usually NOT the case, but these feelings bring out the drill sergeant in me, which is just not effective.
From now on, it's deep breaths, mindfulness and kindness I will use to get assistance in the house. If I'm met with snarkiness from the 14 year old, me, the 41 year old, will face it with patience and love.
Daily Meditation:
- I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.
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