Yesterday, FRIDAY (THE WITCHING HOUR) I began preparing a tasty dinner for my husband for his birthday. Ribs, (brined since Thursday), potatoes, green beans and a fruit tart.... All of the favorites for this Southern Boy! I also did a nice 4 mile run in the morning with the dogs in the city scape, rural scape and then ended in the woods. I'm so grateful to live in such an ecologically diverse area. One part city, one part country, the other part, forest. I put the finishing touches on some deals, dealt with melt-downs on others, all without a panic attack.
Oh, and we went to therapy and I had to come to terms with the fact that my white lies, lies by omission and drinking were really hurting my husband. I now acknowledge this, soberly, and I'm committing to make it right with him. He deserves much better than what I've been putting him through, and it's been my damaged, alcoholic brain that has been justifying my treatment of him. It stops now.
I also went to Yoga and it was a really small class, so that was LOVELY.
On my walk home, I allowed myself to buy a Coke and a pack of cigarettes. I figure right now the priority is NOT DRINKING, and grilling out is a trigger for me, so I let myself have "treat aka cruth" for the final dinner prep. I was proud of myself, because I drank half of the Coke and had one smoke, and was satiated.
Dinner was DELISH and we started watching season 2 of the Leftovers to refresh for some binging of Season 3 when there is more than one episode out. Also? GAME OF THRONES COUNTDOWN, LIKE A LITTLE OVER TWO MONTHS!
Today, my meditation is on this:
The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
I've allowed myself to stymie my growth emotionally and have relied on snarkiness, sarcasm and negativity wrapped in "humor" as a way to express myself. I hate saying this but "I AM BROKEN INSIDE" and it scares me. I don't like appearing vulnerable or weak, so I mask it with attitude and aggression. People then think I'm tough...... I'm not. I'm sensitive and insecure. I'm introspective and at the heart of it, I'm gentle. Harming others affects me.... I cry over road-kill, for crissakes.
I need to start shedding this armor so I can begin to heal and grow in a proper, functional way.
Day 6.
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